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david/dddavid© The Creative Writings Page 1-24-07 On my last day, in my last hour...if there is time. Let me walk, once again down a familar path surrounded by tall green trees, and hanging vines, those no longer there, and see the the place where the water ran so clear that the bottom seemed just below the surface. And if there is time...maybe to play on the lane with the innocents of yesterday, and the hopes for tomorrow with familar faces not seen in so long. On that last day may I see the all pets that I held so dear, who have given me so much. When I had little more than nothing, but so much with them. And may I visit briefly the sunrise, of a certain day where two became one, and hold that feeling one more time. The closeness and comfort that came from true love. And on the last day let me find the words I should have said, and do the things I should have done. The ones that really mattered, if I had had the time, and not the pride. Let me walk hand in hand with all of the dreams and see where they would have lead me, if I had had the courage to try, and the ability to give. And let me sing out loud, I have always wanted to, and feel the joy if would have brought, had I done it. On my last day, if I still have a little time may I see just one I affected in a good way. I know I should'nt ask, but I thought...if there was time. But on my last day, in my last hour...I guess is not the time to ask. I should have done so yesterday, but there seemed so much time for these things, and other things stood in the way...always other things to take up time. On my last day, in my last hour, I will try not to regret, and I will push away the sadness. For I have had my chance, and I have to move on. Tomorrow is another day, but not one for me. 1-21-07 Just thought you should know... Inside is still the little boy who loves his dog, and playing in the woods. He wishes to live there, and dreams his vivid dreams of saving the world, and on better days, the universe. Playing, playing in the serene quiet of nature. And still inside is the young man filled with wide eyed wonderment for what lies ahead, and when will it start. So eager to begin what surely must be more amazing than what has come before. That which will make all the rest, make sense. There inside is the man who still remembers the first day he met you, and knew that everything had now changed, and everything was now whole. The first kiss goodnight, and the early morning one when you came in from work, and the sunrise on the mound, and when you brought home the puppy. Inside is still the man who, years after you left, found you were still part of his dreams...if only at night. Inside the sadness has faded...never hang on to the bad....only the good. Time does that for us, if we let it. Inside is a man who can't help but wonder if he ever interups your thoughts during the day. Wonders if you still hold the love that was once there. So strong that it seemed that it would never end. Inside is the man for whom that love has'nt faded...not even on the worst of days. And the man who believed in you, was proud of you, and content with you. So much time has passed that at this point I think it important that you know, somehow. If I could change anything, it would never be a moment from the time spent with you. Inside is still the one who holds you close, and smiles, and wonders where life has found you... 2-23-04 tired... sometimes. ....sad lately... for things... for myself, and what's not to come. enter...exit...don't stay long. don't love, give, hear. i'm sorry...i am. forgive me for it all. i try. i think so much, but nothing comes to me. no one comes to me. if i stop, will i have to do it again. if so, with my dogs... there for me, and happy too. the special ones kill me. almost perfect, but not so. a game sometimes i think. is it fun... wish i could play...please pick me. not funny, not fun, empty, and done. move them on better sometimes. tired...sad it hurts too. keep it up, why? because it's right? i didn't know right left you like this. move them along. sad...lonely ...next... 2-18-04 as tears fall to the dusty floor, they create tiny little mud puddles. Sorry, no rainbows for you today... The one you love left long ago, and no longer thinks of the past. Left the same day you lost the ability to move on, to aspire, to grow, to share...to dream. You see through murky eyes now that find remembering, rather than being. Murky eyes which cannot find tomorrow, and therefore do not play a part. Eyes that trap you, and keep you still, and waiting... ...but times were good, and we worked together... Learning, but not sharing. Given, but not reaching out...still. I am thought of, am I not...sometimes. Only allowing one thought most of the space, most of the time. Did you think you deserved it...happiness everlasting...why? and did you treat it gently, and lovingly... I am sure I am remembered...I am sure. Living off the past degrades it, erodes it. Until it becomes no more than only your thoughts. Shared... Your thoughts, and no more. Alone... I feel I am with........someone alone... I remember...see it sometimes, as it was...I can see it. Eyes blured by fear...emptyness I felt someone...I saw, ...felt Rainbows... We have none for you today... Sorry.....not today. 2-12-04 It's ending soon...I can feel it... Going back to the familar, as if you haven't learned anything ...anything... Goals that were not pure, I felt it. The smallest ray is worth holding onto ...sometimes... Hopes faded, saddness, again...saddness. I triggered something, but did not reach. Stirred, but not respond, fading to the past...the familar. I feel you are... Faint as it was...it was there, and could have been, ...for awhile longer. Goals not pure...doubt ...feelings, but not those needed. I wish I may...I wish I might... So easy being young... I still like to play, it passes time, and dulls the lonelyness. But play is not hope, and though not better, ...familar is comfort...but I could have taught. Tried to sometimes...tried to sound like I should. Cold...distant...I know... I do not give...have not. I stay there, sometimes in silence, sometimes withdrawn, but watching. ...watching, thinking, trying, but not enough of those. They do not come to me. Others do...but not those, and I watch ...as the hope fades, and you fade, and it's dark... more than before, it's dark... I want to play...just a while. Goals not pure...take you, and I still here. Wounded, but much the same... still here. 2-14-04
I remember you from a long time ago,
1-22-04 If I knew I could, if I wanted to, why do I feel like I can't. Can't do, can't speak...at least what I should. Can't be what I'm suppose to. To you. Don't even know if I am suppose to. So I don't. Giving up before something is started is not how I thought it would turn out. and then you turn away... but I don't know. I liked spring days a-lot when I was young, and wish I would have kept one for days like these. Faint memories of being absolutly carefree, eager. Sometimes I can feel it. Mostly I can't. Can't move, can't speak, can't be what your thinking. or now, what you had thought. I'm sure it's past tense...like my days spent in spring. Destine to be a memory, like the rest. Something that passed by, that could have been, but I don't know, and I don't speak, and time is passing, But I'm not including myself, and I don't know why. I've had so many thoughts, but they remain silent, while I search for my spring day... just one... ...and think I could. 4-16-03 disappear, fading away, like they were never there. How do things become transparent, and cease to exist...or it seems. Brought into reality by chance, and taken away just as quickly ...like they were never there... but they were...they were there, and might still be, but I can't find them. A glimpse, maybe...every now and then. I struggle to hold on to them in my memory, but it slips...it to fades. Those I find I like ...I can not find, or find fading. Why do they fade? Falling from me as easily as if they never were, never became, never meant something... vanish... But they were...I know that they were ...at least today. Tomorrow may find them unclaimed... if it finds them at all. I feel that I have already forgotten, and left behind, and lost ...many...left behind. swept away... fading away... ceased... 6-04-02 Change, ever present, everlasting, and ever after. Hoping for it most of the time, and sad when it doesn't show, but you hope...still. Because it makes you feel alive. It gives you a reason, and makes you a part of things. I think the more we evolve. The greater our need to hope. It fills the time that we have freed, and so we hope to fill the time with better things, and so on, and so on... I sat on a log one day, and wondered what I wanted to be when I grew up. Then it dawned on me that I had extended my stay, and was already there. My hope was that I could return to dwelling just a little longer, but I had already over done it, and the log wasn't much good for sitting anymore. If I only hope to be happy...I am there most of the time, and most of the time I only hope to be happy. 3-06-02 Yea, I like you that's what you want to hear isn't it, "yea"... You don't like it, but you like the thought of it. With it, you're not totaly alone...are you. You don't like the thought, but the taboo does something to you. Deep down it gives you a feeling you haven't had before, and that you do like... If I had to picture who it was I wanted, it would be you. The eye's, the nose, the mouth, Your body, your hair it would all be you. Even the way you act, and how you move, or sit down....or dress. I couldn't do it any better than that. Your's would be a face I could look at forever, lost as it is. That's probably part of it too, the searching... Tomorrow I will not think about you, or maybe the next day. I'm not sure, but tonight... It's as if you're almost here. Almost really in this room, and for no other reason than me, But that's why they call me a dreamer, isn't it. That, and a few other things... 11-29-01 I have a painting I did... it's wisteria. Purple The flowers aren't though, and not real. Like my dreams, or yours... or the old man with the young name. Who tires of being lied to, but never of lying. You make me smoke... I'd smoke without you though. I'ts just that with you I smoke more. Nervous I guess...looking at everything but you. I'm afraid to wake from the dream. If I find your eyes I see whats really there. People can only hide what you let them. At least that's the way is seems. Sometimes you seem like everything to me. Except that part where we don't talk, and I don't really know you. Funny what people go through to not be alone. Isn't it? 11-29-01 I never really liked orange juice... and yet, it was there every morning. On the table. I don't think it was done to be cruel though. Just a habit picked up a long time ago. When the day came when more was known about me than the day before, I just kind of looked down at the orange juice and wondered, where will you be tomorrow? Who will watch out for you. Or did anyone really ever care. Change always happens... even if you don't think it does, it does. Be nice to have someone there when it does, though... Do you think it was noticed? What if someone was looking?? Someone always looking. Am I still o.k., you think maybe? I don't like to play...you know that. Why do I listen? It's those little tiny moments when I care. I hate that...I really do. Someone is there. I know they are. I'd like to find them without a game. You don't have to make me feel bad for waiting... I'm not going to do that again. go ahead... drip, drip, drip, over and over. my head is wet. I am lying in the shower. in a corner, weak. not recovered from before, not clean... you're back again. do what you like...I can block you out. you can't get to the deepest part. It bothers you...it's what you want. from the start. it's what you want... I can block you out. drip, drip, drip, over and over. you can't reach it... it hurts you. maybe I win. dddavid2000/0001© ...... the firstSIMI- creative "writings"pAgePage...... life is not complete without the arts 6-21-01 For little Adam, An empty spot showed up today, and thought he could replace you. I thought about it a minute, then asked "What do you have to offer" "Nothing" was the reply..." except maybe sadness, but what else do you have. Your pet is gone." "I have pictures" I said, "and lots of memories... more than enough to fill you spot" "Ah, but you can't hold a memory."he said. "No", I replied, "but they are happy, and strong, and if they fade I have the pictures to bring them back." "Is that it?" He ask. "Far from it." I said "I have the lessons that I learned from 12 years of unconditional love, and the support of others who's lives were touched by him. I can't see why I would want to replace him with an empty spot, besides I'll see him again...remember." With that he vanished. How's that for being strong, Adam? 3-12-01 Light beams float above my head dancing around the room...calling for me. They tease, and coax. Values I'm trying to remember, erased Things move so fast now, but to where? Translucent people pass around me, they seem sad. Their lives traded for dreams. I try to build walls, and carry into them peace and quiet, but I too fail. Unknowns always seem to hold so many promises. I wonder until my thoughts are drained, and flow outside. For the trash man to pick up, and carry away. He leaves me behind, translucent, and I seem sad. I sit, but don't wonder, and I see, but don't feel, I hear, but don't believe. and there lies my peace, and there lies my quiet, but they are what are not real. Bad things happen, but I am not there. So they don't happen, and everything is fine, but it is not, and I am not there. I am translucent, and I am void, and I don't venture too far past the dream. 3-02-01 Superficial, flying, and flinging, and lying my way down. Glaciated hypnotist find their way.....big signs help. I'm going to one day... I just don't know when. "Dammit I told you to stop that" Soothe.....Soothe.......quiet.....no guilt... Drifting, thinking towards & to big dark eyes. They make things easier........you know? I want to stay here....now that I'm calm. I just want to listen, sometimes... "What, What are you doing?" It doesn't hurt anything, but it matters. I don't know all of what you think. Sometimes I wish I did... If you liked what you read...if you read it at all... "I thought I told you to get in here." Tiny little frogs the size of your pinky nail live, and thrive...somewhere. They look happy. Customize your phone service for 9.95 a month... Have you been injured through no fault of your own??? "Will you turn that damn thing down." One day your not going to be around anymore, and things will never be the same. Except that I will be...and the day will be, and the stuff will be. 'cause I couldn't go... Stark, and stoic & stagnant he stepped steadily to start... That's what I'm afraid of, but I don't know where I put the nerve to take the chance. Do you see that... Have I shown that to you... or do you think it's pointless... given there's nothing there inside. "Inside...I said stay inside till we get back." It all boils down to one thought, really... Out of thousands & thousands of opinions, I want to know what yours is...I think. That, and you would have been able to get me to do something about it. "If he's your friend, why doesn't he hang out with you, hmmmmm?" Sometimes torture is very quiet, and dwells solely in the mind. "Are you done? Are you happy now? What do you think you'll accomplish by that?" If I should stop, then I should stop..., but how do I know unless someone tells me...... 2-27-01 Spin them win them been them long, long ago. Tell me sell me spell me time to go Forever traveled with they're faces... Forever traveled in they're places... forever traveled I've seen nothing new. Can I travel with you? Faking aching snaking along side of you Perching lurching searching I like the view. Forever traveled with they're faces...... Forever traveled in they're places... forever traveled I've seen nothing new. Can I travel with you? Missed time resist time this time save my soul. Wake me make me take me you've got to know. Forever traveled with they're faces... Forever traveled in they're places... forever traveled I've seen nothing new. Can I travel with you? 2-26-01 Somewhere, fallen lost or shuffled or spawned fractured, spent, and loosely fitted silent, careful, or spotted wishing, always wishing, and hoping saddened, hurt, and darkened confused, maligned, forgotten ignored, unloved, and wasted clean, and dry, and waiting forgiven, un-forgiven, but shaken thinking, wondering, always questioning valued, at a distance, unaccepted covered, pushed, or distanced willing, and able, but untrusted lied to, tied to, tried to giving, innocent, and happy taught, changed, twisted ........i be. forever, and ever amen. 2-22-01 When we were young.............we were all kings. When we were young.............we were all kings. Time has passed us by.............left us here to die. When we were young.............we were all kings. I stand in full view.............shadows passing. I stand in full view.............shadows passing. Once they noticed me.............now they let me be. I stand in full view.............shadows passing. Remembering love.............for you falling. Remembering love.............for you falling. You were once my friend.............that too had to end. Remembering love.............for you falling. Baby cries at night.............another coming. Baby cries at night.............another coming. So it's starts again.............slowly to the end. Baby cries at night.............another coming. Seek the answers well.............question rings. Seek the answers well.............question rings. You are next in line.............old enough this time. Seek the answers well.............question rings. I disappear in rain.............leaving traces. I disappear in rain.............leaving traces. Have I left a mark.............I can't tell it's dark. I disappear in rain.............leaving traces. 2-13-01 Stray, but don't stumble... long dark corridors........leading to where? To you......tell me you... Every answer I have known, or will know...... or have forgotten...along the way Along the way..........a daisy. Weeds also reach out to the sun. Until we cut them down. They don't belong... they travel farther, and live alone... Come with me. Sit next to me......so close. So close, I feel you are inside, and I will not lose you, and I am not alone. Be everywhere, everywhere......when I need you, and I do... and I have....and it's been so long. It is always in the dark that I think of you, and I have never been afraid Lead me somewhere... Somewhere where you are happy, and I am free. 2-02-01 Immersed in occupation. Trampled over sometimes, and scared, but never beaten. A rising sun, is always new, always fresh...always another chance. Voices sing out in the distance, tales of new things. New sights, and images... new beginings. Little ones follow larger, and so goes the circle... we've stepped out for other things, but kept one eye on. Out of curiosity, just in case. The view from the fringe is just as good, and a-lot less serious. 1-06-01 Sliveryleafed all polished up, and shiny he was. Going off to see the world. look We never settle when we're young... and we never, get him ever die... "It's mine...all mine if I want it" listen... LiSten to tHat I don't know what to tell you... I just know how things go, I know how people go too... get him ...and that's what scares me ...understand Understand... bet one of you does... settle for this... yea settle for that... yea, yea What are afraid of... so afraid, that is makes us settle... There's a reason why that little voice is inside your head voices... he's listening to voices... I always thought it was there so you didn't tarnish yea yea, yea... It's so others don't tarnish you nooooooo.......... 1-06-01 sitting alone... listening to nothing but the wind, foolish enough to caress my body. It doesn't know the sadness that I bring. "Help him mama, doesn't he need help? kids never know how foolish they can be. I had a thought...that I would help... I had a thought that I would be there... I had hopes, and dreams... and I watched them dissolve into nothingness, emptyness, sorrow. "it's only right to help, mama" Why is it that no one is ever there... ...no one is ever there... "it's only right mama" and then I remember, do you really have the right to do that to someone... There are reasons I'm alone...... there are rules that I follow... Rules I set down....and I remember them... -Why did I have to grow up... -Why did I have to loose the innocence... "but mama,he looks so sad" what the f...are we doing here... what is this suppose to be about... what is the point, after we're dirt... ....You know, I still think about trying... "you think he'll be alright mama" ...I still think about saying.... "It's o.k. let me help for awhile" "are you sure mama" "are you really sure" what the f... is this all for... ...until I look at the road behind me. Yeah... they really needed me... didn't they... 12-18-00 dripping red rose, scarlet if you like. makes no difference. ... Petey stomped his foot when he wanted something. partly beliving he shook the earth. where do you think we'll all end up? I liked a boy, but he didn't like me, and no one liked him...seems kind of pointless, 'cept it mattered. I left to find, long roads sometimes wind, but don't always hold better things. do not look back...do not wonder... that's the only do not's I have left. "Mother say's it may rain today, if we are good". it's always as if it were new... it's always as if it has to be...and so, with his coat slung across his arm, and one overgrown path in front of him, he started off. if for no other reason than he was taught that he should... 6-19-00 I am here... and you will notice me. If I want you to. If you interest me. I've lived a life, far away from you. 'cause you scare me too with everything you need... Do you know what I think about when I'm alone in my room. Do you dream of it too, and how do we tell each other, and I'm sure it's the same for you, but I've been hurt once too much. All the pain and the stuff... that I just don't feel like reaching out... again It's late at night... the things I think about sometimes I want to shout, do you hear me. I can't go on. I need to see you there I have to feel you care, but that means you must be stronger... Can you feel what I'm thinking about 'cause I'm alone in my room, with a need for you soon, and I can't hold on much longer and I know that it's hard for you, but I've been hurt once too much. All the pain, and that stuff. That I don't think I'll be reaching out... again No I just don't see me reaching out... again. 5-29-00... time tilted, and fell sideways, in this place that you left me. cruel enough to leave a small window to view the rest of the world. why was it that you got move on. the small television in the corner plays... but only our past. good and bad up untill the end it plays and like a fool I am drawn to it why was it that you got to move on... I keep busy, I turn down offers, I think about you, it just happenes..... It still happens... 3-9-00... In my mind I can see you I can feel you... In my mind. In my mind If I want you I could have you In my mind. Did you really think that I would go so far's to hurt you there, my darling. Did you have to run away and hide so I can't find you there, my love. In my mind I have found you When I had to In my mind. In my mind I have loved you, and you loved too In my mind. Did you really think that I would be the one to do you in, my darling. Did you really have to cry, and go and tell another lie my love. In my mind Now I have lost you Never cross you In my mind. In my mind nothings said there all is dead there In my mind Did you think it might be me who went away before you there , my darling. Did you look, and I'm not there, and did you think you'd ever care, my love. Now in my mind I feel your pain there You've gone insane there In my mind..... written 9-7-99 (I would love to make this into a song...already even have the tune...just can't play anything... 3-10-00... Last night I went out walking thinking of you The trees outside they told me, they like you to. It seems to me that everyone last night -dreamed of you. Oh, could it be were falling for you my love. Last night I sat and wondered, all about you. Without you the stars, have pondered. What would they do? It seems to me that everything I've seen is thinking of you. Oh, could it be, we've fallen for you my love. Last night I saw the moon glow, there in your eyes. The clouds that swirled about you, they realize. It seems to me that everyone last night -dreamed of you. Oh, could it be, we're falling for you my love. One day, maybe we'll tell you, how much you mean. Till then, we'll sit there quietly, hopping we're seen And this I know for sure, my dear,tonight we'll dream of you. Then you may see, we've fallen for you my love.... written 9-10-99 And do you have a question.... yes....why.... WHY.... yes......why.....it was'nt always that simple. I use to have a million and one... A million and two..... yes.....and I've thought about it over and over......and I now have only one..... WHY....... yes.....why.....You are ready to come home then..... I thought that might be what it meant.... And you are not afraid..... why..... yes, WHY....... 1-29-00 your DreamS The wind blows...and with it your DREAMS. FIRstin front of you, THENTHEN off into the distancegone GONE did YOU didYOUthink you could catch isawTHEn... off in the distance... you watched as they grewsmaller... Each year they return... a little smaller smaller A little weaker... they have circled the earth.... and come back, and you watch Watching always. Watch them swirlaround watching alwaysyouCATCH THEM WILLyou try TRYTRYTRY THistime TRy... is he trying... dreams are swirling... around you your dreams... and off into the distance they..fade..... About MeABOUT ME... who am iWHOone....... does he think he's someone I tHINk.... SOMEone IN time...... i am...... 1-16-00... Well I'm still working on this...but so far I think I like it...maybe some kind of background, but the rest I'm pretty happy with. What do you think? WHEN we look back on it... if we were to be honest with ourselves... we will realise that it was we who had changed him. He did'nt have the questions that we did (why did'nt he care if he had the answers) the fears the worries... why did'nt he worry, as we did. To live with him as he was, meant that we also had to live with ourselves..... So we made a choice. I don't feel the need to explain it, no more than we had to think about it. I can remember, thinking as I watched him disintegrate into ourselves, why do we have to be afraid. so much so that we could do this, and go about our lives... even in his presents... as if we were good, and right, and proper. Tell me how to forget... when I see it in his eyes... or find him in a darkened corner, with all of the fears, and the questions, and the needs, now unmet piled upon him. Tell me how to sleep so there, at least, I can see him as he was. 1-19-00 A SHORT STORY...really. Johnny took off out the door, and down the sidewalk, 'cause he was running late for school. He swung open the gate, turned, and abruptly fell on his face. Damn-he thought to himself-not again. You see, Johnny was much younger than his brothers, and sisters, and when it came time to learn how to tie shoes Johnny was still lying flat on his back, in diapers, staring at the ceiling. Well No More- he screamed back at the house, where his mother would now be cleaning up after breakfast- I'll Never Wear Shose Again- He then yanked them off his feet, and threw them in the trash can beside the fence. Later that night Johnny was in an awful lot of pain, due in part because he had kicked the trash can after throwing his shoes in it, but mostly because it had been snowing for the better part of a week, and the temperature outside had not been above 10* in the 3 days. It was'nt quite 2 weeks later when Johnny developed gangrene, and Cral Rubins, the family doctor, had to cut off his feet. As with everything else in life, years go by, people move on, things change, but most of the older folks in town still marvel at a promise made , and kept, for so many years, by one so young. To this very day Johnny has not wore shoes... 1-23-00 I LOOK FOR...WHAT what doyoulook for KINDINnocenteyes and Doyou Find them how many how many have youFOUND have you found theM they tellALLDO THeythey...tell all DO they he does he HAve you told him does HE does knOW pEOPle.......... ARE YOU THERE HE whisper to me... LOOKS for them.... ME he CAllsout listen watching watching WAITING IS HE still still he is... do youThink,,, he does I like artistic people... always have... they just see the world differently... Anyone who thinks, sounds easy does'nt it. I mean those who are'nt afraid to seek out the new, and different... just to learn, and my dog (may we live forever in your dreams) JUSTATHOUGHT.... this is partly from a dream... What if, at birth, you were given a grain of sand to wear around your neck. When you were old enough to understand, it was explained to you that every time you were dishonest the size of the grain would double. Would you act any different than you do today, or would you, by the end of your life... be chained to a mountain... 1-22-00 ...JUSTATHOUGHT THINGS I LIKE there arepeople i like....... THERE here... sometimes WITHME Creative people, those who can teach me something new, all of nature. THINGS I DON'T LIKE as much Sometimes Thingsbotherme FORGIVE...... they willgo away GO AWAY FORGIVE AND forget..... 3-18-00..... A disquited moon grunts at me, because I am happy, and babies sleep through the night. While my friend sends me advertisements of "how to get rich". Emblazened with big, bold $ signs...as he chases a blackened rainbow. I'm afraid I've seen one to many drunks peddeling up for their next 40, and mothers to be taking in much worse, to be bothered by the smaller things. What little rays that do shine through...don't last very long, or become paronoid, and change with too much attention...or envious onlookers. They were my hope... You can hurt me no more than you can bring pain to a rock, or affect a piece of driftwood that has washed ashore. That pleasure is left now only to the innocent. undefined undefined More... |